Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas

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St. Martin's Press #ad - In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals.

Rude bitches make me tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including: Navigating the agonies of check splitting "Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?"The baffling aspects of airline travel such as "Recline Monster" and other animalsThe art of the visit always leave them wanting more.

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas #ad - . Much moregym and locker etiquette hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck nakedOffice manners "Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst"And much more!Good manners have never been so wickedly funny! .

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Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

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St. Martin's Griffin #ad - Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing. Learn why the word snow sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else. Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in Bless Your Heart, Tramp, a hilarious look at Southern-and just plain human-foibles, up-close and personal.

From the wickedly hilarious pen of southern humorist Celia Rivenbark comes a collection of essays that brings to mind Dave Barry in high heels or Jeff Foxworthy in a prom dress. Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with Bless Your Heart, Tramp.

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You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

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St. Martin's Press #ad - From the author of the bestselling classics we're just Like You, Only Prettier, comes a collection of essays so funny, and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as: • why miss north carolina is too nice to hate • how gwyneth paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life • strapped for cash? try cat whispering • Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that? • Get yer Wassail on: It's carolin' time • Airlines serving up one hot mess • Action figure Jesus • Why Clay Aiken ain't marrying your glandular daughter • And much more! Complete with a treasure trove of Celia's genuine southern recipes, You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning is sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.

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You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

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St. Martin's Press #ad - From the bestselling, and girlfriends everywhere in her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, mothers, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides.

In it you'll find essays on such topics as:- menopause spurs thoughts of death and turkey - i dreamed a dream that my lashes were long- twitter woes: i've got plenty of characters, just no character - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTubeAnd much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

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We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Statistically speaking, it's almost impossible for billionaires to discover that their soulmates are fifty-five and restocking the shampoo end caps at Kmart. In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling bless your Heart, Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, the land of "Mama and them's, to the south she loves, Tramp, " "precious and dahlin, " and mommies who mow.

You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, okra, spoon bread, and tomatoes. What does a southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When Daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again. What is the southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on.

We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle #ad - Want to become honest-to-jesus white trash? spend two weeks' salary on hair extensions and pancake makeup for your three-year-old so she can win a five-dollar trophy in the Wee Tiny Miss pageant and the adoration of, well, nobody much. What does the southern woman think of Paul McCartney's marriage to a model thirty years younger? We're not surprised.

. On the short drive to the preschool, I dutifully unwrap a NutriGrain bar andtoss it into the back seat to my four-year-old. Sometimes I'll even unwrap one for myself.

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Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Bestselling author of we're just like you, of whom usa today has said, only prettier and Bless Your Heart, TrampHang on to your hats! We're in for some fiercely funny weather and crackling-sharp observations from Celia Rivenbark, "Think Dave Barry with a female point of view. With her incomparable style and sassy southern wit, you'll hear from celia on:--the joys of remodeling tara--how harry potter bitch-slaps Nancy Drew--Britney's To-Do list: pick okra, cover that thang up--How rugby-playing lesbians torpedoed beach day--Why French women suck at competitive eating--The truth about nature deficit disorder--The difference between cockroaches and water bugs--The beauty of BedazzlersAnd much, much more!Whether she's doing her taxes or extolling the virtues of Madonna's mothering skills, Celia Rivenbark will keep you laughing until the very last page.

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Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Celia rivenbark's essays about life in today's South are like caramel popcorn-sweet, salty, and utterly irresistibleCelia Rivenbark is a master at summing up the South in all its glorious excesses and contradictions. In this collection of screamingly funny essays, you'll discover:* how to get your kid into a character breakfast at disneyworld or run the risk of eating chicken out of a bucket with Sneezy* Secrets of Celebrity Moms don't hate them because they're beautiful when there are so many other reasons to hate them* EBay addiction and why "It ain't worth having if it ain't on eBay" Whoa! Is that Willie Nelson's face in your grits?* Why today's children's clothes make six-year-olds look like Vegas showgirls with an abundance of anger issues* And so much more!Rivenbark is an intrepid explorer and acid commentator on the land south of the Mason-Dixon line.

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Suck Your Stomach In and Put Some Color On!: What Southern Mamas Tell Their Daughters that the Rest of Y'all Should Know Too

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Berkley #ad - Right game show, raise children, and how to keep that marriage knot tied tight over time. The host of all things southern shares the sass and strength of Southern mamas in this spunky guide to life. Here’s everything you need to know from how to cope with the unexpected, compete in the Mr. Readers will discover why blue eye shadow is trashy and learn to interpret regional dialect like the Southern Mama APB, a bulletin translated on Southern streets as: “Give your heart to Jesus, girl, because your butt is all mine!”Shellie carefully breaks down the teachings behind those famous manners and social graces through her firsthand observations and dry wit.

In this humorous handbook, host of All Things Southern, Shellie Rushing Tomlinson, reveals the all-important lessons Southern Mamas teach their daughters. Woven with quotes from real southern mamas and sprinkled with recipes and other Southern secrets, this book’s a bona-fide celebration of all things south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

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Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We've Learned from Our Mothers

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Blue Lobster Book Co. #ad - The same women who breathe life into our limbs also smother us with their ominous, clever, and oh-so celebrated words—life lessons taught in the blink of an eye. There are the extraordinary one-liners: When you get to be my age, you’ll understand. Moms have a lot to say, and they’re not shy about letting it all out.

We’ve survived and thrived, and never forgotten their enlightening words. Because i said so, that’s why. We were listening after all. Now sit up straight! Then there are those unusual “momisms” that totally mess with the offspring mind. Some of the tales will make you laugh; some will make you cry; and a few will leave you questioning how we ever survived our childhoods, let alone learn a few lessons.

Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee: The Crazy, Brilliant, and Unforgettable Lessons We've Learned from Our Mothers #ad - Don’t eat yellow snow. This is especially true if you were told to only remove the fuzz from one-half of your legs when you were just thirteen years old. Only trollops shave above the knee: the crazy, funny, and unforgettable Lessons We’ve Learned from Our Mothers blends more than forty heart-warming, Brilliant, and authentically told stories about the craziness of being reared and raised with the hard-hitting anecdotes that kept our mothers sane.

Although they may at times seem a little faulty, our mothers and motherly figures could drive like Andretti, cook like Julia Child, and shake someone up like an Italian mobster. And the hilarious side-pokers: Always wear clean underwear.

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The Height of Rudeness: Four Sneak Peek Essays Plus One Exclusive!

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St. Martin's Press #ad - They all expect to be invited and they're already shopping for Soda Streams. And a word of warning to brides-to-be? Quit showing off your engagement bling to your Facebook friends. In this short e-original the height of rudeness, readers will get 5 essays - one never-before-published and 4 "sneak peeks" at the kind of manners advice Celia Rivenbark will be dishing up in her upcoming etiquette book RUDE BITCHES MAKE ME TIRED.

Have you been "wait-listed" for your friend's wedding? or, have you been told, worse, via engraved stationery, that you should "Please don't save the date"? This odious and ill-mannered trend must stop! How did it start? How should we cope with such an audacious display of asshattery? Leave it to Mama Celia to help in times like these.

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Sue Ellen's Girl Ain't Fat, She Just Weighs Heavy: The Belle of All Things Southern Dishes on Men, Money, and Not Losing Your Midli fe Mind

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Berkley #ad - The bestselling author of suck your Stomach In & Put Some Color On! returns with more helpful how-to's and keen observations from Dixie. Whether giving business tips or debunking the big boned Theory, making political observations or celebrating the inevitable resurgence of big hair, Shellie is an adviser women can relate to and laugh with regardless of their age or which side of the Mason-Dixon they call home.

. Guided by principles from the ancient belle doctrine, the host of radio and television's All Things Southern offers down-home advice on everything from health and fitness-managing thy caloric calculations without going Straight Running Crazy and surviving the Raging Inferno Syndrome aka hot flashes-to the Southern art of handling your man Bubba Whispering.

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